I seem have to caught a stomach bug that is going around that causes me to vomit every half an hour. It got so bad Bink had to tell me to call in sick tomorrow. I just hate doing that knowing we have no subs. This is only causing half my stress. The wedding is causing the other half. I'm trying to wrap everything up together into a nice package and it's not coming together as neatly as I would like. Even ordering our wedding bands is proving to be a problem as we don't live in the states, and although I can PAY for the rings, and they are TINY, they say they can't ship one of them to my address, but the other one... suuure, that's fine.

( anyways, my mom bought me a dress this weekend. )

So I must say for all my not writing in the journal, so much has happened in the last few days. First off, Bink and I have bumped the wedding up to THIS YEAR. After a long and drawn out discussion after I lost it on him for the zillionth time for not even paying attention or listening to me about wedding stuff, he admitted he wanted a smaller standing ceremony with the possiblity of going out to supper afterwards or having a barbeque. The thing about going out to supper though is we don't know how to word it or explain we want people to come celebrate our marriage with us, however we're not able to pay for their meal. At this point, my mom is paying for my dress and everything else seems to have come to roughly 500 dollars, which is way more realistic for us than 5000. Plus it's still going to be the 13th so it's a Thursday this year and there will most likely be people who will not be able to make it and we're alright with that. We know how last minute this now has become and therefore we're just trying to keep it casual. Then all of a sudden this tiny standing room only 8 people ceremony has already ballooned into an 18 person ceremony. I keep telling people that if they really want to stand and watch then by all means, but I'm not renting chairs or going to make it fancy when it was meant to be small.

Then my best friends apartment flooded and now she's moving into the room that time forgot. Which means that Bink and I have been cleaning and packing things away all night. I'm so tired and stressed and she's so tired and stressed and we're all just trying to make things work. I called the bridal boutique in Kelowna today because everyone keeps telling me I can't possibly purchase a dress without trying one on that its TOO risky, so now I'm going to Kelowna Friday night so that I can have a fitting. The dresses online are the exact same and almost 300 dollars cheaper without tax so I'm a little stressed but my mom is paying for it and she apparently doesn't mind. I was reamed out though by the bridal assistant for "waiting way too long" where I apparently felt the need to explain that I actually had no idea I was getitng married this may until last thursday.

Basically I need sleep because everythings sort of compressing into this giant ball of stress goo. I don't want that stress goo to explode.

Yes, definitely time for bed.

So by the time I got into my appointment yesterday I had waited two hours for it. I wasn`t that frustrated although I know I should have been. The problem is I genuinely love my Doctor and pretty much will do anything he asks because he`s so unbelievably good to me and has been my Doctor for 11 years. The MOA girls were all giggling incessantly at me as I waited patiently while other patients came up and lost their cool. As soon as Rose, the head MOA picked up my file I (according to the girls) broke out in a grin and pretty much jumped up to go in. They all were laughing because they knew I was waiting patiently but they would be irritated as well with a 2 hour wait. Then my Doctor came in and asked me if I was willing to let one last patient go ahead of me, and then he could give me all the time I needed, so I told him I had been waiting an hour and a half already, what was another half an hour?

So everything seems to be fine but I have to do some blood work and fasting since I have some depression and anxiety issues. He wants me to buy one of those SADS lamps, but I have no idea how much they cost or where the hell I would even begin to look. We also talked about some counselling. I think its mostly weather related, but he did make me realize that with planning the wedding I've been thinking a lot about my father and that I never seeked or was given professional counselling to deal with that and that maybe its time.

I also found that all the weight I worked so hard to get rid of I gained back in a fell swoop. Only a month and a half to gain back what it took three months to get rid of. So back to square one.


I love my cat but he's always weaving in and out of my legs in the morning causing me to constantly trip over him and worry about stepping on him. He has this rule where he'll only lay down with you on the bed, so he'll basically try and force me into the bedroom so he can lay down and I can cuddle him like the baby he keeps thinking he is. It's like he's a dog in a cats body sometimes since he's so needy. It's a double edge sword though because he's extremely loyal and constantly wants your love.

Anyways I need to go pack my bag for work. I had this extensive conversation about the importance of preschool teachers with this older woman in the lobby and she totally was inflating my ego. Our school is one of the most prodominant in Penticton so she was all ' ooooooh aaaaah' after she asked me where I worked since she apparently had heard of us. To be truthful I could care less if we were more famous, since I used to work at one of the most infamous preschools last year... which was run by the same board. I just want to be good at what I do and part of my anxiety stems from constantly worrying about pleasing everyone. It's pretty exhausting. I'm in charge today though as our manager is taking a personal day, for the first time all year, so this is my chance to relax probably a wee bit and wet my beak and being in charge.

Then I'll probably come home and pass out.

I really don't want to go to my physical on thursday. I don't want to know if I need surgery for all the little issues I have. I also don't want to know if I gained back the 20 lbs I lost before christmas break. I try to give all the candy and chocolate and cookies away that I get from my students but I always am able to sneak some of that stuff in there. But 20 lbs worth? I hope not. I've been working so hard by just grazing when I eat. Bink wanted to go to McD's last night so I had two of those snack wrap things so that I wasn't having a bland tasteless 3000 calorie meal, more like a 500 one.

I'm suppose to go out to dinner with my girlfriends next week but I'm not really looking forward to it. Right now I've been unbelievably tired ALL THE TIME. So were really trying to find the route of that, I've been drinking lots of water and trying to ride my bike at least once a day for 30 min. I also tried going to bed earlier and taking vitamin D. Maybe I just need to stick to that routine. All I know is that financially I'm still waiting on E.I. to set bink up for school and I've got till the end of this week to get paid. I hate being po.

Trying to plan for this wedding so far has been one of the most frustrating experience to date. Bink is only partially interested and my own mother doesn't seem to care too much. So I sit here trying to organize all these different flurry of thoughts by myself or with the help of one of my bridesmaids. I keep trying to find out just what it is that Bink wants but in my own mind, it seems he's always too busy doing other things including playing video games. Then when I finally started to focus on the invites, he tells me he has a great idea for them so he doesn't want me to worry about them. I say "what is your idea?" and he says I need to wait for him to make an example, so I can't actually work on the invites I was about 75% done making. After that he told me I need to calm down and focus on one thing...

so I say "Okay I'll focus on the bridesmaid dresses/my wedding dress and what I'm looking for" and I find this site called lightinthebox out of china that basically does knock off dresses. At first we don't know this and I spend about two weeks looking through all these reasonably priced dresses to find what will work for my girls as we are all poor people and I don't want to make the girls pay too much for their own simple dress. It's just suppose to be a black cocktail dress that's knee length, and a sash with crinoline. We find a bunch of dresses we like and then my friend goes "what do reviews say about the dresses?" and I say "I have heard nothing but good reviews." Well she kindly reminds me that of course the site might filter the bad reviews. Or even write their own "good" reviews. So sheepishly I start looking for reviews outside the site and it's pretty much half/half. Some are reasonable reviews and some are trashing the site for how horrible the dresses were mis-sized and the poor customer service.

Now I'm so thrown through a loop right now I want to cry. We're so stressed about the budget and it doesn't help that everything seems to be so expensive, now my options of trying to trim the fat seem to be running out and I'm feeling kind-of cornered.

Not even my mother will talk about this stuff with me. For a few times back there she kept saying that it will never happen so basically give up. Now that everything is starting to kick a little more into gear she keeps changing the subject or saying she's too tired to talk about it.

It sucks.

what an amazing and busy holiday I had. Between spending time with Brendans family, my family, both our sets of friends visiting, we still managed to get thew house beautiful and do some wedding planning. Last weekend we went to dinner with Bink's Aunt and Uncle that now live in Summerland who would love to see us more, meaning we really have to start staying out of our shells. We stayed there waaay late and watched a bond film, missing alf completely when she called. Thats why I got to hang out with her the next day, which I worried about because we had wedding appointments. It was alright though because she had been visiting with Katja and I only called her back an hour after she tried calling me. She then came over and we hung out until 2 in the morning because this visit didn't have enough time for us to spend a whole night together.

It's funny because whenever we get together we always end up talking about the same people and she always tells me I'm better off but its weird that we always go there in the first place. I'm not sure who goes there first, but it always ends up coming out. Probably because it's always hard to not reminicse when you have so little time together to create new memories. Plus those days seem so far away and yet like yesterday. Those times are so much easier to talk about than current financial circumstances or illness. We ate, drank and were merry, but it's never enough when that girl is here, I miss her to death already.

Last Tuesday Bink went to go give blood with his uncle and my friend from town and I hung out, we made sure to get everything ready for new years eve. Later that night our friend Mikey came over with his new girlfriend and we drank and watched movies. His girlfriend was really sweet and we really liked her. After that I got to see Jake which made me super happy. I think from the first night he was here we tried getting him all caught up with the venture brothers, and we forced him to watch 17 again and fall in love with the zefron like we are. New Year's Eve Day I took my nana to Ginza because she loves sushi places and I like sushi at Ginza more than at Iishin. I love everything else at Iishin more, but I admit I think Ginza does better sushi. She also came over new years day and had supper with us and watched Baraka. New Years Eve we watched Baraka with Jake as well and had a little get together. We ended up creating a drinking game to crazy eights. Now everyone's gone home (except Jake) and I have a day left before going back to work.

I hope everyone had a very happy holidays!

I spent it with the people I love the most, and had a rather uneventful but comfy day. Bink surprised me by giving me a laptop for christmas, which was definately I was wanting but NOT expecting. My Aunt and Nana bought me things to use in the wedding, and everyone seemed to enjoy the massive amounts of art and music I gave them. My mother and brother are at it, and for the most part I've just tried to stay out of the way. Usually when my grandmother comes up my mom singles out someone and takes her aggression out of them and usually its me but this time around it seems to be the boy, and although he may not deserve the full frontal of her major wrath, he does to some degree deserve to be called out on how much of an entitled little jerk he's become and that is why we've tried to stay out of it on so many levels.

Today we went and got Bink's mother a gift for next year, and a gift for his aunt and uncle who have invited us over for supper tomorrow night which is why I REALLY should be asleep and not up typing this. Tomorrow before we go over I have massive amounts of baking to do as well as Bink and I need to go get our meds filled out and our fingers sized for our wedding bands.... the couple that buys their medications together, stays together.

Last night was spent nibbling on a toasted cheddar and havarti sandwich (made on Focaccia bread) while sipping on some sauvignon blanc by one of the best wineries around here while watching Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Nothing says happy holidays like excellent food and drink and old cheesy movies.

Happy holidays everyone!

Tonight is suppose to be a girls night out, however two of the four going out are sick, one on antibiotics, the other just finally coming around but still sick. I was alright with all of this because it meant no drinking which is what I didn't want to do tonight. Now I wake up with a sinus thing and I'm just super impressed. Sure we've been stirring up the dust with our constant cleaning but it should be helping not making things worse.

I think its all the home baking and chocolate I recieved as gifts from my students. It's hard to resist and although I do, I don't ever eat candy like that. EVER. I once and awhile have a snickers, but I enjoy savoury food over sugary for the most part. So on top of sinusy issues, I also have been breaking out EVERYWHERE. =(

So it's been awhile but it's been oh-so-ridiculously busy. Tuesday was my staff party, and everyone loved my secret Santa gift which was a snow-man cookie jar full of just-out-of-the-oven cookies. It was stolen three times, where as the gift I got, was a dip chiller. =( A hideous dip chiller, that was never stolen, and I was told later by Pam a re-gift item she used. I picked the package because it was the prettiest wrapped. I learned to never judge a present by it's wrapping.

Then I was prepping for Thursday and Friday like CRAZY because I was so unbelievably busy for our parties that day. Pam loved her gift, and specifically used the word love. I took as much of my free time as I could writing down slow cooker recipes and putting them in a recipe box for her.

Last night, I went on the Kettle Valley Railway Santa Train with some friends and their work, which would have been so much more fun if the banjo guy didn't stay in our cab the ENTIRE time. There was TWO OTHER CARS and he NEVER LEFT and sang ALL THE SAME SONGS I SING ON A DAILY BASIS AT SCHOOL. Or even the fact that we were only a group of three and the seats are in groups of four so this weirdo guy who was obsessed with talking about his iphone sat. We spent the entire time texting back and forth as to not give him the impression we found him slightly crazy.

arg.

Later, we made plans to go out for a girls night on Tuesday night. I think Bink is happy I'm developing a bit of a social-life. After that, Bink and I took a friend to dinner at the Barley Mill where I finally realized just how exhausted I was. I soon went home and crashed.

Now it's two weeks off and a time to get my life in order. Bink's getting laid-off to go to work soon and I always get stressed out by that, just waiting for the government and E.I to get set up. Stressful fo sho.